“It is for your own safety Ms Cummins, these kinds of threats are not to be taken lightly, not in this day and age.”

Jason didn’t have to see her face to have known that she felt disgusted by all of this; of course nobody even knew that Jason was listening in on the conversation. He had positioned himself outside the window, between a bush and the wall. Sure it looked suspicious and he knew that if they found him there it was more than likely that he would be dragged to prison, but he had to know,

“What of my co-workers? Are you giving them bodyguards as well?”

Jason couldn’t help to suppress the slight shiver than ran through his spine when she spoke, even through her anger she sounded like an angel. Not those soft-spoken choir-voiced angels. No, she was so much more, she had this well-articulated voice, used right it could drip with sin, but normally she just sounded graceful and perky. Right then the grace was there, the anger only accentuated her voice,

“No Ms Cummins we haven’t, this threat was directed at you only.”

He could hear he scoff and her shadow moved onto the dark curtains,

“I am not even that big a part of the company; I cannot understand why you would go to extremes about this. I am sure that the CEO and Chairman have received even worse threats than this.”

The inspector sighed,

“This will only be for a short while Ms Cummins, I am certain that we will be able to resolve this issue and you can go back to your life as usual.”

He could see the irritated pull in her shoulders, she was really upset about this and he could kind of understand why. She didn’t like her freedom to be reigned in, after the divorce she had made certain that she did as she pleased and now this. Now Jason would have been a poor stalker...was he stalker? That made Jason ponder for a few moments; considering that he followed her, watched her, listened to her and through it all kept his distance...most probably he was a stalker...or just a friend who was afraid to have his friendship rejected.

Jason had met her a few times in person, usually dressed in her tracksuit with her clothing bag, on her way to or from the gym. He had even met her once or twice in her work clothes, as a Sales representative, she chose comfort over fashion, one of the things he loved about her. She seemed happiest in jeans and sneakers, with a band t-shirt, she had her hair cut shoulder-length and it was obvious that she kept it that length for comfort and less hassle. Jason could not speak to her, it was just an awkward hello and he dashed off. She loved her job, she hit the gym every day, loved heavy music and for some strange reason always had time for the more-than-shy guys like Jason.

It does seem that she liked to keep men at a distance after the divorce, Jason met the guy once in a pub and what she saw in him went beyond Jason. Not that he was a loser or jerk as one would expect, the guy had all the aspects to make the perfect husband, but he somehow didn’t want her anymore. Two years of married life and he left her, that just made Jason wonder what the heck went wrong where...but it kind of opened the door for him, not really, but in his mind he did like to think of what could be as he watched her going through her routines.

Two days ago a threat had been placed against her, the company she works for is on the high-end of the corporate ladder and they immediately took action. The police came in, detectives started to dig into her life and Jason who had learned all about her, could see just how much this irritated her,

“This is Sergeant Booth; he will take residence to keep an eye on you. He will not restrict your movements, I can promise you.”

A second shadow had joined her as he spoke; she turned and faced away from the inspector, most likely taking the measure of the Sergeant. Jason had seen the sergeant, the man wasn’t much taller than him, he didn’t even seem to fit into the clothing he wore and overall Jason was not impressed by the look of this so-called “bodyguard”. Oh of course the man had a gun, but that didn’t say much, the fact that they three of them walked by without noticing Jason, left much to be said about the vigilance of the best that the city can offer.

“I don’t have much of a choice do I?”

The inspector raised his hands in what could be seen as a shrug of discomfort,

“I am sorry Ms Cummins, your bosses have been very adamant about this procedure. The chief of Police have ordered this protective detail himself.”

She shook her head; irritation etched in her every move,

“This is...”

The pause made Jason fill in the word she wanted to use, he whispered it; he knew that she would not say it in front of law enforcement officers: ‘bullshit’

“nonsense.”

It was time for Jason to get home, at least he knew the more interesting of news and his work was waiting for him. The detective’s next words made him pause though,

“Ms Cummins, was there anything further about the note?”

Jason could see her head shake,

“It was just the words, written in blocked letters.”

“So this: ‘Soon you will be in the dark’ doesn’t have any particular meaning to you?”

“No, I don’t even understand those words themselves.”

Jason had heard enough, he slid from the wall, staying in the protective layer of the bushes he looked around, no observers, with a slight smile he slipped on to the pavement and entered the door that the detective and two officers have entered not too long ago.

Later as he got ready for bed, the sounds of metal music came seeping into his apartment, he knew what that meant; she was busy with a mosaic. It was late, she should not be up this late, but then again, she did need something to calm her down a bit. He shook his head, this was really a very untimely occurrence, there was a charity ball at the end of the month and he had hoped to scrounge up enough courage to ask her, but the presence of this sergeant prevented that.

He got up the usual time, slipped into his training gear and slung the bag with his clothing over one shoulder, as he exited and locked his door, her door open and she came out. She wore her white trainers, comfortably fitted track pants and her usual red hoodie, this one had Billabong slashed across the abdomen. Usually he would duck his head in greeting and skitter away, but not today, today Jason had courage enough. The sergeant stepped out after her and she locked the door, the policeman seemed a bit fuzzy, lack of sleep, while she seemed as fresh as a summer breeze,

“Good morning Sharon.”

She looked at him, slightly taken aback by the greeting, then a slight smile came to her lips and behind her designer glasses, her grey eyes smiled along,

“Good morning...James...no wait...Jason was it?”

He nodded,

“Yes, Jason.”

He could see the sergeant realize that the two of them didn’t talk much; Jason could see those dark eyes scanning him, looking for threats.

“I have to apologize, we’ve been neighbours for almost six months now and I’ve really been uhm obtuse. I’ve been dealing with some problems, I hope that I can do that neighbourly thing and offer you two to share a meal with me some time?”

She glanced at the man behind her,

“Oh we’re not together. I’m sorry to hear you had some problems.”

Jason glanced at his watch,

“Sorry to be rude, but I really have to get going. Chris waits for no man and if he does, you train twice as hard.”

She stepped forward,

“I’m on my way as well, where do you go to gym?”

He was tongue-tied for a moment, he knew that the stutter was imminent; he had not anticipated that she’d want to walk with him,

“I...I...”

He cleared his throat,

“Sorry, I train at Kelvin’s Palace, only place where I can lift weights, spin, run and swim in one session if I want to.”

She gave him a calculating look,

“I can’t say that I’ve seen you there before, I also train there.”

He gave a rueful grin, of course she did and of course she didn’t,

“I have seen you though, you really like to hit the abdominal machine and I’m certain the treadmill remembers you quite well.”

She laughed, that laugh which made Jason’s insides tingle and make his mind soar,

“Have you been stalking me Jason?”

By then they had entered the subterranean parking, he started at the question and blinked at her,

“W...what??”

She smiled,

“Relax, I’m just joking. Listen Jason, it was good finally talking to you. I hope we can do it again soon.”

Jason could feel that silly blush creeping up his neck,

“The same here, won’t he mind?”

He noticed that irritated little twitch of her lips,

“He doesn’t have much of a say. Come along sergeant, I don’t have all day.”

Jason met the policeman’s stare with a flat pan expression, but as the man turned away he had to swallow at a specific lump in his throat. He hurried to his car, so at least she didn’t mind speaking to him, but it was SO hard just to get the courage to talk to her! He slid into the driver’s seat and took a deep breath, he had picked the Volkswagen RX because it was very common and the only other option for better concealment among other vehicles would have been a Hyundai. He shivered at that thought, not that the cars were bad, they weren’t; he just didn’t like their feel. He started the engine and seemed to do some adjusting to the radio as he looked how she pulled out and drove off.

He had to admit that he really liked the short moment he could speak with her, of course it cost him a few blushes and an uncomfortable curling in his stomach, but it really felt worth it and judging from her waspishness towards the sergeant, she would have liked to spend more time talking to him. Which he found strange, well of course she had a very friendly personality and he had seen her talking to more than one withdrawn person. He shrugged it away and started his stalking for the day, being much more careful because of the cop shadowing her. He made sure to arrive a few minutes before her, made sure to juggle his groceries, keys and laptop bag when she entered along with her escort. The keys dropped just as she walked by,

“Verdamt!”

He was on the verge of bending down when she appeared at his side, picking up the keys, she gave him an easy smile and he could feel his spirit soar once more,

“Th..tha...ah darnit...”

He cleared his throat,

“Thank you.”

She picked the key to unlock the door and then even unlocked the Yale lock for him, pushing the door open and giving him a wink,

“Just ask next time.”

He blushed, he wasn’t sure if it was from the wink or the fact that she helped him,

“I uhm I’ll remember that.”

“What was that word you used?”

He gave a sheepish smile,

“It’s German; basically it means the same as damn. I have learned a few choice words, I really only use them when I get really frustrated.”

She seemed to search his face, so close he had enough to study her face as well, she had a finely chiselled brow, straight nose, soft lips, not full not flat, just perfect, her cheekbones wasn’t extremely prominent, but they did add a bit of an elfish feature to her face, her chin and jaw was fine and sleek, over all one would have figured her to have an almost narrow face, but it still held a slightly convex figure, though not much.

“Why German?”

He was so intent on her eyes that he didn’t catch the words, he could feel more blood flooding his face, damn he hated this blushing! He cleared his throat,

“W...well it is a very strong and powerful language, it sounds very angry and so when I get upset I use it as release.”

He grimaced at his own answer,

“Weird, I know.”

She just smiled,

“Not really, perhaps you could teach me a few of those choice words for certain situations.”

The look she gave the trailing policeman was quite venomous and Jason figured that there had been some kind of intrusion on her privacy,

“Uhm...yeah...ok, I’ll uhm give you a few words.”

She smiled at him again,

“Thanks.”

And with that she whisked away towards her door, Jason could feel the blood slowly leaving his face. ‘Nice going dude, keep that up and she’ll really think you’re an idiot.’ The self-admonishment didn’t really overpower her scent; it lingered behind even as she had already left. He knew that it was called Unforgettable and how apt that name was forhim, slipping the groceries to one arm along with the laptop bag, stepping into the apartment he also felt a small amount of reasonable happiness, that little plan went perfect, apart from the blush and stutter. A little smile played over his lips as he closed the door.

That evening was basically the same as the previous evening and as the week progressed, Jason saw more of her, yet he never actually managed to get passed her constant shadow, he wanted to get her alone...well not like that, he wanted to ask her if she would like to go with him to the ball at the end of the month and he didn’t want to ask with that cop looking over her shoulder. But he never managed that, he did get to follow the red hood of her hoodie as she moved around in the gym and he did get to talk to her a few more times. He could see the suspicion in the cop’s eyes, but she did not seem to share the same feelings, she actually seemed to like his company the few times they did talk.

He just never managed to get her alone...

Deep inside he could feel the need grow; a need to get her alone, a moment in time was all that he asked for. But even that moment it seemed was too much to ask for, at every blind and turn he seemed to be foiled by that policeman and Jason could feel the need grow every passing day.

By the end of the month the culprit have not yet been arrested, though no other notes had followed it and Jason watched as the day of the ball arrived. Sarah had come home early, with the sergeant in tow of course. Jason waited, he wanted to see what would happen and he had to say that he was not happy with the result. He thought to wait, see if she went alone, perhaps at the dance he could get her alone...but she came out of her apartment wearing a long, dark coat, her hair loose and falling around her shoulders, glistening in the hall lights. She wore red heels, her legs encased in black stockings which disappeared under the coat at the swell of her calves. Of course she didn’t see Jason, Jason was doing what he did best, looking at her without her knowing that he was there.

He smiled to himself as he watched her; he had grown accustomed to her pausing to wait for the policeman. Then the proverbial last piece of straw which broke the camel’s back stepped from the open door. Sure it was the policeman, but he was not in plain clothes, he wasn’t in uniform, he was wearing a grey suit, white shirt and no tie! She was taking him, the imposter, the boar, the intruder, the pestilence...Deep inside it felt like something snapped as he watched them walk to the front door; it took him a while to actually understand that he had missed his chance.

With a sigh of despair he turned away from the flat screen of his computer and stared at the wall, it was blank, white...he felt like that at the moment. Instead of white for hope, he felt black, blank and totally void of anything good and sane. She had spurned him...she would have to pay for that. A dark little smile touched the corners of his mouth...

“...don’t care OK?”

It was her voice...then the slam of the front door. Oh he was sure that she didn’t care, he knew that all too well now. All he wanted was a moment and she denied him even that...he rose from the chair and felt like there was an incredible weight which weighed down on him and he sat down again....

No...this was not like the woman he had grown to know the past week, not the woman he had grown to know over the past few weeks as well. There was something that he was missing...something...he went back to his screen; the answer had to be there. He went to the recording, glad once more that he had taken the care for the sound as well, he looked at the screen as she stepped out of the door again, suppressed his feelings as the policeman stepped out after her and closed the door.

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea Miss Cummins.”

“I want to go and you will not restrict my movements; that were the promise.”

“Yes, but this neighbour of yours might go as well.”

“Jason? I’ve told you, I do not believe that he is any danger to me.”

“I saw him...”

“I like him OK, so if you think he’s dangerous, I don’t care.”

The door closed behind them, clearly cutting of more of her words. Jason sat in a shocked silence as the recording ran to an end, the menu coming up for replay, listing of recordings, main menu or editing. She liked him? Well most likely as a friend, they barely knew each other...but the sergeant said that he suspected Jason...that could mean that he was on to Jason. That in itself could not be a good thing. But she did say that she like him...that alone sent him into action, whipping off his shirt he headed to the bathroom for a shower.

He stepped from his car about an hour later; his invitation got him into the building and a free drink at the door. A ring of tables surrounded a rather large open area which was the dance floor; he had the glass of Sherry at his lips when Sharon came into view. He almost spat the Sherry in his mouth out over the couple seated at the table in front of him. She wore a red dress, it had a Chinese collar, it left her shoulders and arms bare, outlines which looked a lot like Chinese dragons’ outlines reflected the light, the dress clung tightly to her toned body, ending just short of mid-thigh. Jason stared, he could not believe how stunning she looked, oh sure he knew about how she could look, but he had never thought that she could look quite like this.

Of course the image was no perfect, she was dancing with the policeman, this made Jason feel like he could walk on to the dance floor and cuff the guy. But that would just draw unwanted attention, so he watched them, now that he had acquired them it was not a very difficult thing to do. He bought himself two drinks, while busy with his second drink he noticed Sharon and Jim...yup Jim Booth. Weird name. They stood a few steps from him and over the music he caught snatches of their conversation, and to be totally honest he could not really make out what they said. But when the two of them left Jason started to get a really ominous feeling, swallowing the rest of his drink, he followed.

Once outside he went to the left corner of the building, it had a parking lot and the two wasn’t there, then he moved to the right, cautiously looking around the corner and there they two of them stood...but something was wrong...then it occurred to Jason that he wasn’t looking at an embrace, she was trying to get away and he dragged her into the shadows more towards the back of the building. A white piece of cloth appeared in one hand and fixed over her face. Jason slipped around the corner the moment that the man turned towards the back of the building. Sharon got laid down on the ground and the man straightened up, the flicker of a lighter and then the illumination of a cellphone screen lit the side of the man’s face, by now Jason was close enough to overhear the man,

“I got her.”

Jason gaped, it was the policeman!

“I will be at the back, make certain the payment is ready.”

The call ended and the cellphone slipped back into a pocket, Jason took his cue from that, luckily he had opted for rubber soled shoes. He went directly at the back turned on him, the sergeant turned and towards him, but by then Jason was on top of him. The fist to the jaw was straight, hard and snapped Jim’s head sideways. Jason grabbed him behind the neck and with a heave ran Jim’s head into the wall. There was a satisfying crunch and Jason could feel resistance leaving the neck under his grip, he withdrew his own cellphone and dialled the emergency centre. He reported what he had seen and heard and then mentioned his action towards the policeman Jim, he got transferred to the Police station. Of course that was not what he wanted, but he gave his name and number and gave the same report to them. There was a long pause,

“Did you say Jim Booth sir?”

“Yes.”

A long pause,

“Sir we don’t have a sergeant Jim Booth on our systems.”

This gave Jason a jolt,

“And detective John Mero?”

A longer silence,

“No sir...did you say that these men have visited the victim and one of them had just tried to kidnap her?”

Jason ran the note’s receival and her call to the police, then how the detective had shown up and then placed Jim as her protective detail. He could hear furious typing in the background, several clicks indicated that more lines had connected to the call, it seemed like he had stumbled onto something big,

“Sir, we can’t find anything of this reported anywhere, no units have been sent to that address, you are certain about this?”

“Quite sure about it yes.”

Another voice cut in,

“Sir, do you know of a safe place for Miss Cummins?”

“Uhm yeah, we live in the same building, I could take her to my place, she should be rather save there, I have a surveillance system which will prevent anybody from gaining access without my knowing it.”

Voices in the background, then the first voice spoke to him,

“Sir we will contact you when we have this sorted out. Will you be able to get miss Cummins to your apartment?”

He looked down at her sprawled form,

“I believe I will be able to manage.”

He ended the call, tucked away his phone into his pocket and knelt to pick Sharon up, he was surprised at how light she was, she weighed almost next to nothing. Straightening up he carried her to his car, unlocked it and gently settled her inside. It took him a few minutes to make it back to the building, where he parked in the street, managed to carry the still unconscious Sharon inside and settle her on his bed. He stripped off his jacket and placed a chair next to the bed. First he moved the camera to face the front door and then he settled into the chair, watching over her. He didn’t have to wait long, it was nearing the thirty minute mark when she stirred, her eyes flew open and she sat up, ready to bolt. He held up his hands,

“Easy Sharon, easy.”

Her eyes found him; they looked both confused and frightened,

“What...why...why am I here?”

“From what I could gather, neither of the police that was here was police, it was all a scam of some sort. After Jim tried to kidnap you I contacted the police, they don’t have a Jim Booth or John Mero on file or in the system. I volunteered to keep you here while they do their thing.”

She glanced around, her gaze coming to rest on the PC screen, showing the front door,

“Why do you have that?”

Jason shrugged,

“I am a bit worried about the lax security and installed that for in case something happen, then we would have the person’s face for the police.”

She licked her lips,

“I’m thirsty.”

“I only have water and beer, I’m guessing you’d like a water?”

She shook her head, making her hair ripple,

“A beer, two if you don’t mind.”

Jason got up from the chair,

“Two it is.”

When he returned, he found her inspecting the sword that hung on the wall next to a bow, cross bow and early flintlock rifle. She accepted the beer and drank almost half of it down in one go, then motioned at the weapons,

“You a collector?”

He shook his head,

“Not really, that’s been handed down in the family for ages, the eldest son gets them when the father passes and a few times they stayed with the daughters fi there wasn’t a male heir.”

She looked around some more,

“You surely are a strange one Jason, you managed to take down a guy and thwart a kidnapping, you’re at ease talking about weapons and your family history, but the moment it comes to just talking to me, you get all flustered and tongue tied.”

“Wh...wh..well I can’t help it.”

He could even feel the damned blush creeping up his neck,

“I...uhm...usually when I talk to pretty women...”

He ran out of words, he could see a glitter in her eyes and a smile on those soft lips,

“Hey...it’s just me Jason. I won’t bite you.”

He actually managed a chuckle at that,

“I...I know, it’s just that...I don’t know why I get all bashful.”

“Perhaps I can help with that.”

She took the second beer from him and placed it next to the screen; she finished her own beer and placed it next to the full bottle. Jason could feel that something that he was about to find out something that he had only imagined in his wildest dreams. Her hands took hold of his shirt and drew him down to her, her lips were cool and soft against his own and he barely managed to remember to kiss her back. As she pulled away slightly she smiled up at him,

“That’s a start; let’s see how you manage further.”

Jason was at a loss, then he realized what she meant as she reached behind herself and undid the back of her dress, she shrugged her arms free and the dress slid from her, she wore no bra, her breasts was small, firm and tipped with dark nipples. A modest red thong and the black stockings was all she wore as she started to undo her shoes,

“Better get moving Jason, I want to give you a proper thank you for saving me.”

He wanted to protest, to say he did not want this, but he knew that words was useless as he found his hands already unbuttoning his shirt. In an almost trance-like state he watched as she took off her shoes, slipped the stockings down her long legs and then she stepped towards him once again, pushing him on to the bed. He pushed himself on to his elbows, as she followed him, straddling him,

“Sharon, I...”

She silenced him with a kiss,

“Shut up OK?”

She leaned down to kiss him again and this time he kissed back, his hands were placed on soft hips and he started to explore the body perched on top of him. The tongue darting into his mouth and entwining with his tongue was sweet and the breath against his face, warm. He ran his hands over the firm ass and squeezed gently, a soft sigh emitted from her and she pulled slightly back and then he could feel her soft hands slipping off his boxers, exposing his hardening cock. He felt as she slid down his body, he felt her nipples as they traced a trail down his body, and he could feel his hard, throbbing cock brush against her soft skin. He jerked slightly as a warm, wet feeling clamped over the head of his cock, her mouth pulling him slowly in.

He gripped her hair in one hand as she seemed to slide his cock into her mouth and down her throat in one fluid motion, eliciting a low groan from him. She started to slowly bob her head up and down over his groin, her soft hair brushing over his thighs as her hot mouth sucked on his throbbing cock. Her tongue danced around his shaft and to add more sensation she allowed her teeth to lightly scrape against his shaft. He breathed deeply, his mind still trying to process what was happening. Her soft fingers found his balls and gently started to fondle them, her head started to speed up and he placed her head between his hands, moving his hands along with her head, feeling his cock sliding down her throat and her soft moans vibrating through his cock and through his entire body.

He breathed deeply and swallowed slowly, his back arched slightly from the overload of pleasure coursing through his body, her mouth slips from his cock and he opens his eyes as the cool air brush over his wet cock. He only had time to register the feeling before her mouth engulfed his cock again, her hand gently milking his balls as she licked and sucked on his cock. He held his hands on her head, feeling the soft hair brushing over him and he moaned in pleasure. Then her mouth and fingers was gone and he could feel her moving to straddle his legs.

She lowered herself onto his cock; he could feel her muscles tugging at his cock as she slid herself slowly down onto him, like they were pulling him deeper into her tight confines. His hands found her smooth thighs and slid slowly upwards as she slowly worked her body up and pushed back down, savouring the sensation it seemed as slight shudders ran through her body with each move. He found her slender hips and even slenderer waist, his thumbs toying with her belly button, making her half-giggle, half-moan as she kept her slow pace. His hands travelled to her lower back, making their way slowly up her slender, yet sexily defined back. His hands slid over her back, over her sides to cup her breasts, her hard nipples pushed against his palms, the soft flesh underneath covered completely by his palms and fingers.

She arched her back, pushing her breasts into his hands, moaning softly as his fingers found and teased her rock-hard nipples. A shudder ran through her body and she slightly collapsed onto him, her hands gripping his arms as more shudders ran through her, he could feel her pussy tugging, pushing and tighten around his cock, the only thing keeping her propped up was his hands on her breasts.

After a few moments, she released his arms, resting her hands on his chest and propping herself upright. She started moving her hips again, working herself up and down his shaft, rocking her hips, twisting and changing the angle of each thrust. Her muscles clenching and rolling along his shaft, he slid his hands from her breasts, cupping her ass and used it as leverage to meet each thrust with one of his own. He could feel his orgasm building up; that tingle that started in his balls, growing steadily, spreading to the base of his cock. Her thrusts increased in tempo, her moans loud, lewd and perfectly matched to the situation. He met each thrust, their breathing fast, ragged and loud. He pushed back on his orgasm as long as he could, he thought about how angry he was before, how much he had wanted to gain revenge and how silly it all was, the stalking, the hours of waiting and watching.

Eventually even this could not over power the feeling of her pussy sliding and clenching his cock, he warned her, but she didn’t even pause, there was no stopping anymore. He exploded with a grunt, the release felt amazing, like his whole world exploded into a haze of stars. Dimly he felt her nails digging into his chest and teeth bite into his shoulder, he pushed her firmly down, pushing his convulsing cock as deep as he could go into her. As he slowly came down from the almost impossible high, he could feel her slender body flush against his own, her breathing hot and fast against his neck. They stayed like that for a long time; she then chuckled softly and gave his neck a playful bite,

“You definitely don’t seem to have a problem once you get over your shyness.”

He only managed a smile in reply,

“Well, there wasn’t much need to talk was there?”

His cellphone rang, it was the Police; they were on their way. The two of them got up and got dressed, slipping to the living room and drawing the bedroom close behind them. Jason allowed the Police in when they arrived, it turned out that the men have sent the note, after bugging her line, they managed to transfer her call to one of their own and from there they used deception to gain her trust and to get her alone. They worked as an independent group and most companies used them for industrial espionage, they called themselves the Wolves. After the Police have taken statements and left, Jason found out that Sharon had not really finish with her thankfulness and for once in his life, he realized that it was not about how well you stalked, it was all about how much you dared to reveal.

 

BRAVO

I know who you are and I know what you're doing in this story! This version may be too subtle for the intended effect of skewering its victims. Victims beware...AND LISTEN UP!

 

I might have to sit this one out; I am lost in too many of the references and this is not the first story to do this to me.

 

Fantastic! I chose to begin my quest to read all the stories for this contest with this particular tale. You have set the bar very high and I am looking forward to completing my task with a smile on my face. Thanks again for your submission.

 

The whole, subtle references to little red riding Hood were brilliant. Descriptions were Excellent. only one annoyance. You didn't get this proofread and unfortunately it shows in several places with typos and tenses jumps. a shame because this really was a good story. good luck at the vote.

 

Interesting and twisted tale: good use of false-fronts and deceptions of the false-officers.

It is a good story, but still I could not get into it as much as with others.
I will give it a second read-through, and see in a few days.

 

Loved the story! A little creepy that the stalker wins her in the end, but OK.
The typo's and errors were so bad, that they were even bothering me, who doesn't usually care if there are errors. They kept taking me out of the story. You needed a proof reader, or... not sure why I'm even getting this vibe, but... were they there on purpose? Some were so bad, I kept wondering "was that intentional?".
I plan on reading this again in a few days, I WANT to vote for it, but not sure I can with the mistakes.
GREAT read though.

 

Its a good story ,has a few minor problems but they are easily pasted over. Fairy tales are traditional dark so I'm likening the stalker getting lucky.

 

Plot-related conundrum: Why would the kidnappers wait so long to commit the kidnapping when they had access to her this entire time? They were inside her home, but for some reason they attempt the kidnapping only when she's in public at an event with hundreds of other people? Naturally, the actual reason is so that it can happen at the point of greatest dramatic tension, but what's the rationale within the story itself?

For that matter, why were there no real cops around? The kidnappers make a phony death threat so that they can pose as cops to get close to their mark, but how do they get actual law enforcement to seemingly defer to them and never step in with a legitimate investigation (which would presumably foil this plan instantly)? We're told they "transferred the call," but this sounds pretty thin to me. Perhaps I'm missing something.

Thematic conundrum: So, stalker gets the girl after all. This is an exercise in subverting the reader's expectations: The seemingly sinister creeper saves the day in the end (as a direct result of his creeping behavior, no less), while the seemingly trustworthy and overbearing bodyguard turns out to have been the danger all along. Upon a second glance there are even some clever bits of foreshadowing, such as the "sergeant's" limited observational skills and ill-fitting suit.

However, this seems to suggest that Jason is somehow a "good" stalker, despite his obviously unstable behavior, which I don't think is going to fly with most audiences. We can't even argue that he's passive and non-threatening despite his obsessiveness because we get to see just how close he comes to snapping and perhaps becoming violent:

So yeah, this guy is fucking nuts. And Sharon would have be pretty naive not to notice the red flags here. Now, perhaps that's the idea: There are no good guys in a story like this but instead just a double subversion: Both the character whom the reader (hopefully, if the story was successful) thought to be helpful AND the character whom Sharon eventually considers her hero are neither of them what they seem. Both a lurking danger. That could be something.

But if that's the case, I don't think it really work as a subversion of the fairy tale. There aren't two wolves in that story, after all. So either interpretation offers a problem. Like I said, a conundrum.

 

Good luck.

 

Weak attempt at the CAW crown. Do try harder next time...

 

I like this tale, despite what others may say.

 

After reading this again I still like it. The mistakes didn't hit me quite so hard this time around. Great job on the story. Definitely in the running for my vote.

 

I have to say of the stories that I am putting in my lower bracket I have to say this mainly writing style and proofing errors but a great story.

 

It's another story where I read down the comments and agree with what BlackRonin said. But I want to comment more than just saying "Yeah What BR said."

The point about the fake cops could've snatched her anytime why wait till they are in a public place is a very difficult hurdle to ask the reader to overcome.

I thought the stalker getting the girl was a mistake that an inexperienced writer may make, or should I say I thought this at first. After reflection though with it being a mirror of Little Red Riding Hood, the cop (seemingly the huntsman) turns out to be the bad guy (wolf) and the seeming bad guy stalker (wolf) turns out to be the hero (huntsman). It's possible it could've been more deftly done but it was pretty darn good.

 

Similar comments as to above. The content and premise of the story was fine. Darkness is fine. Fairy tales don't all have to be about happy stuff, and in fact, most aren't. The sex scene was well-written. The typos...eesh. What people have to realize is that you're competing against some pretty good writers, and if you have more than a typo or two, you're gonna' get called out on it because that's how strong the competition is here. Even with only 15 entries. I judge stories with about 80% going for the content and flow of the story, and the other 20% for the technical end. Others will value it differently of course. But to me, if you're going to spend hours and hours writing a story, you can spend an hour putting it through a spell checker and a grammar checker, and reading it out loud once. Some are fortunate enough to have a human to review it. If you don't, you need to spend that extra time reviewing it line for line. I'm sure you know that a period is at the end of every sentence, yet, I found multiple instances where it ended with a comma. So easy to spot, so easy to fix. I'm jabbering on this because you took what was a good story and made it mediocre with all of the mistakes. Hope you will take this to heart.

 

Good concept, not at all fluffy - in a good way, good sex scene. It's one of those well-told stories whose errors don't stop my enjoyment. I really like this one.

 

As has been pointed out, better proof-reading would've been an advantage for this, but it is still a very good tale. Interesting twist, with the villain and hero switching. It felt a little rushed in places, which is not uncommon when one is writing to a deadline, so that can be excused.

Nice job!

 

Good sex scene, I liked it I have no idea who wrote it, but I think this author wrote two stories (at least). As for commas and such, I didn't mind it much.

 

Wow. Some pretty harsh comments. Honest. That's what you get in a CAW.

Which is a good thing. Every writer tries to improve. If you don't, you stagnate, and what's the fun in that?

Dark tales can be fun, and as someone else pointed out, many fairy tales are downright gruesome. This entry is a good concept that (how can I say it politely?) needs more work.